I burned out from work. I have a really hard time diving deeper into how that feeling manifested, as it wasn’t working incredibly long hours. It was a feeling that I discounted the contribution I was making at work because I felt that I, as a program manager, as a young woman, as a person without a computer science background, I was inadequate. I felt like the signals I was getting from everyone around me confirmed that. And that therefore made me a worthless person. Layer that onto having a subpar ski season while perusing strava and instagram where all my friends not only were performing well at their jobs but were doing massive feats of skiing, alpinism, biking, etc, I was also not fulfilling what I saw of what I needed to prove that I am a competent mountain athlete. Then, Freddy had a climbing accident this summer where he tore some ligaments in his ankle and broke his heel -  I felt an immense responsibility to support him. It honestly all came to a breaking point, especially at work. I felt hopelessly glazed over when information came my way. Unable to process, unable to focus, only able to do small tasks to feel some sort of semblance that I was doing something, yet knowing deep down this isn’t forwarding my trajectory. I had no control of thoughts, my sleep suffered, my desire to see people outside of work also plummeted. 

What I did right during this time is have an incredible support system. With the help and advice from my family, friends, colleagues, therapists and Freddy, I went on leave from work for 6 weeks.

But why did I decide on a bike trip? There were many factors that led into this. In the practical sense, I didn’t want to stay at home the Monday after beginning my time off and wallow in shame of not being at work. I needed to get out of the house. The more complex reasoning, which I can’t explain rationally, is this feeling that I wanted to make biking my own. For I was labeled, through fault of others and my own, that I didn’t like it. This distaste came from always being the beginner in the group, and honestly after years of feeling like the worst, the thing that starts as a joke wears on you until you decide to actively revolt against that joke. Yeah well if I suck at biking, I never liked it anyways and it’s stupid. It had been almost a year since I had touched my mountain bike. 

But this battle was still stewing within. I wanted to prevail, the winner in my self-imposed fight. I wanted to say to those who I feel are judging my abilities: Not only am I a mountain biker, but I’ve done a solo multi-day mountain bike route through the Alps with more vert per mile than the Colorado Trail. How about that?! So yes, this decision was fueled by ego, but what this turned out to be instead was a journey toward self-esteem and compassion. A curiosity emerged when I replaced “I fucking hate this” to “I’m learning.” Being alone gave me so much leeway in that pendulum of response, instead of if others were watching my triumph and suffering. I felt no external pressure to perform, to send something that scared me, to yell in anger, to complain, to have something to talk about. I walked my bike and took breaks wherever I pleased. I racked up my highest vert and longest days in the saddle ever. A coach of mine told me to write mantras on my bike “trust yourself” and “growth mindset.” As tacky as it felt to tape words of affirmation to my handlebars, everytime I looked at them, I felt so proud of myself for just being there. I am no expert, but I know I have made mountain biking my own, and biking through the beautiful mountains brought me healing.

Here’s a recap of each day to give you a flavor of what the biking was like and how I felt.

Day one: Andeer to Thalkirch (Safiental)

Mileage: 38.55km; Vert: 1,729 m
Best pictures:

Best Water Fountain: In Urmein

For even more background, the day before, Monday, August 28th, I took the train with my bike to Bergun to meet Kathy and Steve. A proper gail was passing over San Bernadino Pass, swelling rivers over their banks, delivering almost 4 inches of rain to the region and snow in the high mountains. It was the perfect day for me to start my bike trip.. Since I needed to get out of Zurich, I convinced Kathy and Steve to go to the Albulla train museum with me. I’d highly recommend it! It gives good detail on the Rhaetian Railway with tons of fun pictures and a nice model train exhibit as well. I stayed with them in Andeer, and got started the next morning.

The ride started downhill through the Viamala Gorge, where waterfalls mistily tumbled down its high walls. Once in Thusis, I began the very long climb up to Glaspass in the rain. The route varied from farmer 4x4 roads to the paved way. At Glaspass, I was very cold and wet, but it was Tuesday, which means “Ruhetag” and the restaurant I planned to eat lunch at was closed. So I kept going with all my clothes on, frigid and gripped on an old mule trail that has no business for bikes. It became clear in the thick fog along the sheer mountainside, that even with all the hard work of biking up, I would be walking my bike down this mountain. It was not until I made it to the bridge to cross to Safien-Platz that I resaddled. I finished the day by biking up the road to Thalkirch to make a dent on the next day. I stayed at the Turrhaus, which is a no frills bunk house at the end of the valley. I sat with a nice couple from Dresden, and I felt so stupid after learning so much Swiss German that I couldn’t even say Fünf anymore. But they were nice and asked me tons of questions at my level and told me about their road trip to Yosemite when they were young.

Day 2: Thalkirch to Lumbrein

Mileage: 41.81 km; Vert: 1460 m

Best Pictures:

Best Water Fountains: Vals

The Dresden couple seemed anxious about my ride up to Tomulpass, and like most older German-speaking folks, they let me know they didn’t think it was safe being alone. I assured them about my inReach and REGA and went on my way.

This climb was also relentless with sustained sections of 20%+ grade. It only took one push section to realize that pushing a loaded bike SUCKS. So I would gun it, grinding on the pedals with all my might as to not walk and push. Then came the snow, clumpy and wet in contact with the warm summer earth. It blocked my wheels from spinning, leading me to take a slow fall, unable to get my foot out on time. That was the first time I cried on the trip. So I pushed the bike the last 200 vertical meters to the Pass at 2400 MASL. Biking down on snow also seemed sketchy, but at that point I was so over being wet and cold that I went for it. The Tomulboden was incredibly beautiful, full of high meadows and stunning waterfalls. This descent was a highlight of the trip. I made it down to Vals, a ritzy Swiss mountain town and had a delicious soup while apologizing to the patron for tracking in so much mud.

The last highlight was biking through a perfectly graded gravel road in the forest above the town of Uors. It was quiet, smelled incredible, and was the best continuous biking I’d had so far. I ended in the town of Lumbrein, a quaint Romansch speaking enclave in Val Lumnezia. I felt like I was meant to be right where I was.

Day 3: Lumbrein to Sedrun

Mileage: 61.68 km; Vert: 2017 m

Best Pictures:

Best Water Fountain: Mumpe Medel

The day started off as all summer days in the Swiss Alps do: with church and cow bells ringing to welcome the warm sun. I said goodbye to Val Lumnezia with a sweaty climb over a pass that brought me to Obersaxon. This is where I met fellow bikers also on the Alpine Route 1. In a particularly steep section as I pushed the bike, they wizzed by on E-bikes, one guy whispering “sorry.” I guess it meant something.

The descent started at 2079 MASL and kept going to Trun at 840 MASL. By the end my hands were so tired of breaking. It meandered through Cat Tracks in a ski area, steep grassy hiking trails, and road. I continued up the Rhine to Disentis, where I called Freddy who encouraged me to keep going. I was really worried about the next day over Maighels, so I needed to get as close as I could.

I biked up past the village called Mumpe Medel, traveling high above the Vorderrhein, taking in the breathtaking scenery on a delightful gravel path. It was not the fastest way to Sedrun, but certainly memorable. I was so tired by the time I got to the hotel, I ate a whole Poulet by myself for dinner.

A note on my accommodations: I stayed at bunk houses, Jugendherbergen, and hotels. I would have an idea of where I wanted to make it to every night, and once I was there, I would look on Google maps for the cheapest place in town, then bike over and see if they would give me a better rate.

Day 4: Sedrun to Andermatt

Mileage: 30.09 km; Vert: 1225 m

Best Pictures:

Best Water Fountain: Sedrun

This day somewhat broke me. I was familiar with the beginning, having completed it with Felipe last year. Once I turned off on the route the Maighels pass, the gradient and the challenge ramped up. The ascent started on a steep gravel road, where I was dodging cows and cowshit. 

Then I reached this jaw dropping high meadow with a glacial-fed river braiding through it. At the end of the meadow, the trail to the pass was barely hikeable let alone bikeable. It took over an hour and a good cry to drag the bike over boulders and uneven stairs to make it to the pass. Finally! Sweet descent.

It did not take me long to realize that the descent would take as long as the ascent. The steep and sheer hiking trail was unrideable to someone who values her bodily safety. To maintain sanity, I focused on the beautiful scenery of rugged summits and alpine lakes. Just kidding, I mostly stewed in rage that I had pushed my bike up a mountain only to mostly push it right back down! I did however make it to Andermatt.

The day finished by saying hi to our friends Leslie and Felipe before taking the train back to Zurich. A perfect end to a great trip!

Gear

I felt like I was pretty weight conscious on this trip. I used everything I brought (except for medical/emergency stuff), but man it felt heavy! I used a handlebar bag that I would fill up as much as possible, a butt rocket that I would try to keep as small as possible (since it's a dual suspension bike), my running vest (for things I though I would need during the day), a small snack bag that fit on the bike, and a repair kit that would also attach to the frame.

Working attire:

• 2 wool t-shirts that I swapped each day
• Sunhoody
• Loose shorts
• 2 detachable chamois that I swapped each day
• Lightweight puffy
• Rain jacket
• Light bike gloves
• Spring ski gloves
• Running tights
• 2 pairs of socks
• 2 pairs of underwear
• 1 sports bra
• 2 necktubes
• Neoprene shoes coves
• Helmet
• Sunglasses

Evening Attire

• Flipflops
• Clean shirt
• Pants
• Normal bra
• Clean socks

Additional

• 1 L water capacity
• Lock
• Bike computer
• Small medical kit
• Inreach
• Bike repair stuff
• Electronics
• Toilettries
• Kindle
• Notebook
• Sac a viande